medicate this madness

...it took a long hour of nothingness to focus on what exactly it was that made me such a motherfucker - why so uptight? why so unnerved by all the pathetic things in life and unmoved by the vast circles of love that often sat right before my eyes.....

...a lot of wandering through aimless trails in a desert where nothing wanted to end, when would the palace come? did I even care if it was a mirage or not? if happiness is all I pursue then why should truth even matter anymore? if I could lie to myself and feel compfort and warmth then why wasn't I just driving myself mad with lies and mental forgery? fuck it,

just move on and close your eyes when it's too hard to drift into sleep, just imagine that everything is ok, trainqulize yourself with your imagination, it could be the difference between misery and ecstasy, just run after the trailing lights and waving thoughts of your desires and think that you've caught them when your gasping for your last breath .

"i'm confused"
"consider yourself enlightened"

maybe it's the confusion that sits around in the bowels of my psyche and waits to reveal itself in it's full glory...cycles of confusion and understanding...understanding coming in disguised as enlightenment, maybe enlightenment was the ultimate scam

i pity the fucker that thinks he's got the world figured out

and you know the type.....wears you down and makes you feel confused if you can't follow - what's should you follow? yourself? your 'self' is the enemy, to rebel against the self is to rebel against a society of finks who think they've got it all in the bag

go chase titans of 'wisdom' in those fields of desolation and think you might eventually catch up - when you do you'll just find yourself diluted (but don't stop the chase - chase as many as you can, and never stop running)

Sartre, Camus, Kierkegarrd - a bunch of old shitheads, they're no better than you and you're no better than them

forget all the books and papers, read them once and move on

forget your 'intellect' and live for sake of living, not impressing the boring neighbors and redundant drones that surround you, take some vice into your life and let it shine, kill god and ressurect him just to confuse yourself, write a new bible and burn and write a new one filled with pornography and give it to the baptist youthgroup

they'll love you for it